As a mother to a child with autism, I’ve felt the weight of shame in ways I never anticipated. It's an emotion that hangs heavy, sometimes arriving in subtle ways, other times with the force of a tidal wave. Shame isn’t simply about what we do as parents; it’s about how society perceives us, our children, and our efforts. It’s about feeling as though we’re constantly on display, measured against standards that don’t consider the unique beauty and challenges of raising a neurodiverse child.
In Brene Brown’s now-famous TED Talk, she delves into the concept of shame with a clarity that has resonated deeply within me. Brown describes shame as the “intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.” As mothers, we’re wired to care, nurture, and help our children fit into the world. When those expectations clash with the reality of raising a child with autism, shame can take root, making us feel isolated, vulnerable, and desperate.
Shame Isn’t About Our Children’s Behaviors; It’s About Society’s Perception
If I could, I would erase every societal expectation that fuels this shame. But societal expectations are relentless, pushing the idea that mothers should be able to “fix” their children, mold them into socially acceptable beings. And for those of us with autistic children, this pressure can feel impossible. Because autism isn’t something to be “fixed.” It’s a way of being, an entirely different way of seeing the world.
Yet, society often labels our children as “different” in ways that imply inferiority or failure, and as their mothers, we absorb that criticism. We internalize the perception that our parenting is somehow at fault, that we’re falling short of a standard we didn’t create but feel bound by. The shame doesn’t arise from the challenges themselves; it comes from the fear of how others interpret those challenges.
When our children behave in ways that don’t align with society’s expectations—whether that’s stimming in public, having a meltdown at a family gathering, or not engaging in ways deemed “appropriate”—we can feel the watchful eyes, the judgment, and the whispered conversations. Society’s lens doesn’t offer grace for our children’s differences; it often casts them as flaws, and by extension, it feels as if we are flawed too.
The Unspoken Pressure to “Fix”
There’s an unspoken belief that if we’re good parents, we’ll be able to smooth over every “rough edge” in our children, that we’ll find the right therapy, the right approach, the right strategy to make them fit. But Brene Brown’s words remind us that shame thrives in silence, in secrecy, in feeling as though we’re alone in the struggle. When we allow ourselves to think we’re failing because our children don’t meet these arbitrary benchmarks, we become complicit in perpetuating shame.
We’ve been conditioned to see our children’s differences as reflections of our own worthiness, as if our success as parents is measured by their ability to fit into a mold that wasn’t built with them in mind. This notion is heartbreaking, because our children are already whole, beautiful in their uniqueness. But society’s standards can make it feel like we’re failing them if they don’t follow the same paths as their peers.
Shame Is Not About Us; It’s About Fear
What we need to remember, as mothers, is that shame is rooted in fear—the fear that we’re unworthy, that our children are unworthy, that we’re not enough. But our worth and our children’s worth aren’t defined by how well they meet society’s expectations. The beauty of neurodiversity lies in its very defiance of these expectations. Brene Brown’s work reminds us that the antidote to shame is vulnerability, the courage to share our stories, and the understanding that we’re not alone.
We need spaces to be vulnerable, to talk about the challenges without the fear of judgment, to share openly that our journey doesn’t always look like others'. Brown encourages us to “dare greatly,” and for those of us in the autism community, this means daring to show up for our children, just as they are, and for ourselves. We can step away from the need to “fix” and instead embrace, advocate, and educate.
Building a Community Free of Shame
If there’s one thing I wish for the autism community, it’s a shift away from shame. I dream of a world where society sees our children as they are, where parents don’t feel pressured to make their children “fit,” but are instead encouraged to celebrate their children’s unique gifts. This is not a burden of “fixing” but a calling to educate the world on the diversity of human expression.
We can create this shift by talking openly, by building support networks, and by amplifying our voices. We can allow ourselves, and each other, the grace to be human, imperfect, and real. When we embrace vulnerability, we reclaim our strength as mothers, and we teach our children that they are not “less” because they are different.
Brene Brown reminds us that “shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we are capable of change.” I believe that change is possible—change in how society sees our children, change in how we see ourselves, and change in the narrative around autism. We can build a future free from shame, a future where love and understanding replace the outdated expectation of conformity. Together, we can lift this burden, one story at a time.
Love & Light,
Lissarette.
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